Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Hey, people! Since now I'm pretty sure that this page's core audience comprises of those who are Google Image searching/video-/lyric-finding, if I am in fact wrong about that and I still have your (devoted) attention, then I apologize profusely for neglecting you. Truly, I am an asshole of the highest degree.

There, self-ingratiating/deprecating done for today.

I am sincerely sorry, though, about the state of the world economy. I won't lie to you, folks, things aren't exactly going great. If the old principles of finance still hold, there isn't much the average working stiff can do to change the situation directly. And so it goes that my confidence that I will actually receive funding this year is (again) well and truly shot. Even if I were to receive any notice past this point, I doubt that any deadline could be met for the amount required to be paid. Nor is it viable for either bank or applicant to apply for a personal loan, which, even in the best of times, is still a shitload of moolah.

When I was in a similar situation last year, I still had a vague sense of optimism about being able to follow through on my initial plan, if I got readmitted this year. I did consider alternatives locally, but my heart just wasn't in it. I even applied for a couple of steady jobs (after a really unsatisfying RA stint for a while), but it just didn't feel right. Currently most of my contemporaries are pretty settled in their current jobs, and I'm genuinely happy for them; I just don't want the same thing for myself right now (and really, who's hiring these days?).

So, in essence, I really had an actual gap year. And recently I've kind of had some clarity about what's feasible and what's becoming more and more of a pipe dream: if I'm really serious about my ambitions, I can't afford to waste any more time thinking and regretting. Some things just aren't possible sometimes, maybe it's just bad luck, or fate, or coincidence. Either way, I can't wait anymore for a reply from my sponsors, not with a July 1st deadline, and not for this amount (you don't want to know). I think it's high time I send my applications for a summer/fall start locally. Everything's ready, and I have all the credentials I need. It's just a matter of filling in some goddamn forms.

If I can still go abroad this year, awesome. Otherwise I'm ready to do this thing and plow through. There's always the chance to build a better life after, no matter where, but I just have to do this first.

There was another matter, about my incessant hermitude and general lack of hanging out with my college chums. I don't really know how to explain things without sounding like an utter douchebag, but some things are best left explained personally and not here, where everyone can read. Just know that I do care about you, and I am proud of you. I hope things will be more amicable soon.

I promise I will write about my usual shit later. Music! So much to recommend.


Puteri said...

Ezanee, hey =)

Ezanee said...

Hey, Puteri! How are you doing?

Puteri said...

Just surviving, haha.. and you? =)
Were you here in UIA anytime last week? I had a dream about you. but worry not, nothing bad.. basically, I was walking down the stairs somewhere and you were walking up.. hahahaha ;D